Avoid the shoes

When trying to understand the decisions made by others, I put myself in their shoes.

But that doesn’t often work.

It doesn’t let me see their whole perspectives. I may see some things, but my experiences and worldview colour my lenses.

Even when I turn down my biases, ‘walking in their shoes’ only shows what was done, and other things that happened when they made the decision.

And almost nothing more.

I’ve found that a better path to understanding others is to ask questions and listen.

Ask about their lives. Ask about their fears and hopes. Ask about how they feel about the decisions. Let them share their disappointments, and struggles and ambitions, and hopes and joys.

When people describe their inner lives, values, feelings and beliefs, they help us understand them better. It’s a gift we should cherish.

Most decisions align with what people deeply care about, and not what we think they should care about.

Someone who deeply cares about the validation of a particular family member will make decisions that may not be helpful for them, but will buy them the validation they seek.

There is no amount of ‘walking in their shoes’ that can lead you to this truth about them.

But the right questions, and listening with care will lead you there.