Notes on anger
Anger has a bad reputation. So bad, some people prevent themselves from thinking about it, what led to it, what the triggers are, what the best ways are to process it, and take responsibility for it.
If you can’t open yourself up to anger, you may be closing yourself up to joy too. This doesn’t mean you should violently express anger. This only means you open yourself up to seeing it when it comes, and deciding to deal with it with grace, with love.
No one is responsible for your anger. They might have done something that triggered that response from you. But they didn’t get you angry. You did.
'You made me angry' is a lie we tell children and other adults. Stop telling that lie. You chose to be angry. Other choices existed. You could have chosen better. You still can.
Children who were told that lie grow up to become adults who feel responsible for everyone's emotional outburst. Especially outbursts from the people they love. Their guilts are better spent on things that are deserving.
There are better ways to deal with the ‘object’ of your anger than withdrawing your love from them. Withholding love as a form of punishment is the ultimate form of emotional manipulation and abuse.
When you find yourself getting angry, pause to consider if that was your hidden goal all along. If you’ve subconsciously created a goal, it becomes easier to interpret triggers in the environment with that lens. You find what you look for.
Anger fuels. Sometimes, it leads to more anger. Other times, it helps you do what you want to do. You get to prove ‘them’ wrong. You get to show ‘them’ what you’ve got. As with every bad fuel, your nervous system always pays the price in the long run.
Anger is not a directive. It is transient. When you don’t know what to do with it, see it for what it is and let it pass.
Don’t try to have an intellectual debate with your anger. It's deluding. You lose every time. Plus, it serves none of you.
You can’t use your display of anger to change someone else’s belief or behaviour. You can’t win them over with an angry heart. You can’t make them do what you want by directing your anger at them. If their action changes because of an exposure to your anger, that change may not last. Over time, it backfires. Because it was anchored on fear, not love.
We sometimes use anger to protect ourselves from getting hurt by others, only to get hurt by anger itself.
When you find yourself angry at something you can’t do anything about, pause to find out why you are actually angry. You might have found a decoy target that has nothing to do with why you are upset.
Beware of things that only keep giving when you are angry. Beware of people that seem to take you seriously only when they sense your anger. Beware of thinking that your anger is what makes them take you seriously.
There are times when anger is beautiful; when it paves the way for compassion to take over the scene. And this leads us to take action on behalf of those who aren’t in a position to.
Anger can shape how we perceive the world. Talk to people who have been yelled at ‘out of love’ as children. You may see how they may confuse anger with kindness, attracting people who measure love in cycles of anger and drama.
Delaying gratification doesn’t only apply to pleasurable things. Acting angrily can be gratifying too. The result of talking with others when you are angry isn’t always what you both hoped it will be. Know when a delay shouldn’t be delayed.
Don’t allow others to stampede their anger into yours. Your triggers are yours to define. And you can choose for it not to be influenced by others.
No one can rile you up without your involvement. No one can make you exercise anger, envy or resentment if you choose not to.
Anger needs only one host to thrive. But it loves to fill the spaces between us.
People can’t read minds. If you were angry about something, learn how to talk about it. Imagining that people will automatically know what triggered you is wishful thinking.
To better understand your anger, pay attention to what happens within your body when you are angry.
Sometimes, the way to process anger is to see it for what it is, and give yourself the space to understand it. When it doesn't make sense, see and accept it, trusting that the understanding will find its way to you.
Love is anger’s antidote. Love that continues to grow, continues to change, continues to evolve. Love that sees anger, welcomes anger, without judging it.
These are my notes to self. Yours, if useful.