Feigned courtesy

The customer service rep who said they are sorry that their company doesn't have what we need, but went on to recommend two other items that are completely useless for what we told them we want to accomplish.

The investor that receded their commitment to invest in our business, but was quick to add that they are happy to introduce us to three other investors - who don't invest in our field.

The doctor who enthusiastically suggests the new chocolate spot in town, right after telling you to stay away from chocolate, artificial preservatives, and other things that can make the chronic migraine diagnosis worse.

In each case, it would have been better if they stopped after delivering the feedback. Right after the first part. After their apology. After telling the news.

That other part, the part that fakes a solution, does more to destroy trust. It makes us unconscious.

Yes, the intention was to convey empathy. Like them, we've been taught to deliver both feedback and unpleasant news like a sandwich - complement, the real thing we want to say, and complement.

But that last part does more harm than good.

Here is an analogy to think about:

Someone comes to you for water. They are thirsty.

You tell them, "oh sorry, I don't have water here with me. I can go fetch you a cup. It will take 10 minutes."

"While you wait, will you sip some petrol for your thirst?"